my 2009

so I'm living my life the way i want to.
I've been having the best time.
living life without any worries and regrets.
things happen for a reason.
i think all this needed to happen to help me grow.
i thought all I've done in the past was make mistakes but a collection of those mistakes is called experience. and right now I'm experiencing life. fuck up and learn from it. make yourself better. that's what I'm doing. And for once in a long time I'm doing something I'm proud of. Growing up and Moving on.

Random

Do you ever miss someone that you never had?
someone who you never really really knew?
a someone who you spent no more than 15 hours with...
10 of those 15 intoxicated?

i just realized that i spent literally 15 hours with a stranger....
and in 5 of the 15 hours we were sober,
had a moment.

and then it was over.
even though we have one another's information
it just wont ever be the same.
because there was something in the air that day..i don't know but
we shared something, just the safe feeling that i don't think i could feel with another stranger or person again. it wasn't love..it wasn't lust, i think that it was just comfort.

that we were both feeling alone and that mutual understanding of us feeling secure...
even if it was just for that moment...i think it was something I'll never forget.
he probably doesn't ever think about me or that day..
he's probably over it

but to me..it meant something and i don't think ill ever forget it.
i can forget him, but not the feelings i felt.
he gave me hope, for i dont know what but..

he gave me hope.

and i miss it.
not him but the way i felt.
the feeling that i could do whatever i wanted because im still so young.
and that i could be whoever i wanted because these people don't really know who i am

and while all this was happening i felt like i was another person.
i wasn't myself.
i was watching all this happen like i was someone else.

and i just miss it.

21.

I'm just gonna go out and say it.
everyone was right.
you were all right.
this marriage really won't work.
thats why no matter how hard we try to work things out..
it'll still fail.

i dont understand why it has to be this complicated.
if 2 people love each other then love should just be enough.
and if you love each other and it didnt work out like me..
then love just isn't ever enough.

all he asked for was my time.
all i asked for was his attention.
we were both just too busy or too selfish to give that up.
its just not working out. and i dont think it ever will.
so why force it. just let it go.
and move one.

Married Life

So lately I’ve been thinking about marriage.
I’m thinking about taking up a marriage counseling class.
I was watching the last kiss last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about how true and real some of the situations were. I totally understand where Zach braff is coming from.
I know what he means by when he says getting married sounds so “final”
And it is…

In today’s society I don’t think people take marriage as seriously and others did back then.
I’m not sure what the divorce rate is now but I’m sure the younger the couple, the higher the rate.


I’m 20 and im married.

Some people would call me crazy but hey, I did it for love…I followed my heart…
But no matter how many times I say it to myself over and over again
I can’ help but feel like I did it for other reasons.

For Anthony
For my parents
For my daughter
For comfort
For security.
For love. ..

On the outside im an adult.
On the inside, im still just a kid.

A part of me feels like I got married because it was the right thing to do,
I wanted to wait.
Wait till Anthony and I both finished college
Till be were both grown adults.
Both mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with the marriage.
But instead I feel like I just jumped into it because Anthony was already there.

He was so sure
So sure it would work out between us
So sure we’d be happy together. Forever…
But I forgot about that 1 thing..

That 1 thing that usually drives people away from one another in time.
Change .

People change
Things change
Times change

What we once thought was right could now be wrong.
The happiness we thought would be there could disappear.
And then the person you thought you once new slowly begins to fade.
Then suddenly, you don’t know this person anymore.
And believe it or not you’ve changed.
And you don’t even know who you are.

And when you don’t know who you are anymore
You’ve lost yourself.